You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
