He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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