Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
