I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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