My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think your dad took our porno
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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