I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
