wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
