4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She is in my trunk
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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