I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
