Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
