Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
