he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
