Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
