I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
