You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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