The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
