he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
