this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
