Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize