Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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