pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
