erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
