SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my shit smells like andre
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
