On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
