I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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