tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
