The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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