the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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