she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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