I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
