I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
