I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
