Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
