I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just threw up on my dentist
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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