I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
