Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
