there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize