I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
