if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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