i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize