I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
