My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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