Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
