I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
