Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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