Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Alive.
So much puke
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
