Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
