This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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