I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
