I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
