she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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