Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
