the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
