I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize