I'm going to jail i love you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize