I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize