Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
