I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
