don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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