Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
