I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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